


broken things aren't as easily fixed

by darkknight



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Broken Parabatai Bond, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Jace dies momentarily, M/M, some fluff in there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 01:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkknight/pseuds/darkknight
Summary: He knew Magnus was saying something, but Alec couldn’t hear him over the white noise that came with each moment as the realisation settled.Jace was dead.





	broken things aren't as easily fixed

**Author's Note:**

> hiii, so with all the speculation that is going on about who will be the one to die, i've been all what if it's jace?? and then i started thinking about the parabatai bond and how interesting it would be to see it be broken and how they would deal with it and thus this came to life. enjoy! 
> 
> if there's any mistakes they're all mine, also, i don't own any of these characters.

They were in the middle of Idris, in the heart of Alicante, the battle around them in full force, demons and Circle members attacking them from all sides. Alec saw Magnus blast three demons coming for Isabelle a few meter away before something in him shattered. It was burning and numbing at the same time, something was wrong with Jace, _seriously_ wrong.

 

He fell to the ground with a silent sob, too shocked to even shout, the pain burning through his whole body from the parabatai rune, he needed to see Jace, but he had lost sight of him when the battle had started, instead sticking with Magnus and Izzy as Jace went with Clary.

 

Alec knew he should get up, the fighting was still going on around him but he couldn’t, and with a startling feeling he realized that the pain was slowly ebbing away to a cold numb feeling and he couldn’t breathe. Something wasn’t just wrong with Jace, he was dying, _he was dying,_ and Alec was nowhere near him.

 

His vision started to blur as the numbness took over after the pain, he couldn’t feel Jace, there was only an emptiness, something he had never felt and he couldn’t understand, this couldn’t be happening, Jace couldn’t be de- No, Alec couldn’t think like that, even as the numbing spear slowly, he needed to get up and fight and find Jace, because everything had to be alright, right?

 

But he couldn’t get up, he curled into himself, clutching his rune. Somehow, he felt completely numb, yet like he was set on fire, how could you feel such opposite things at the same time?

 

Vaguely he heard his name being called, but everything felt like he was underwater like it wasn’t actually happening, he felt as if he lost a part of himself, and a sob shook him as the realisation set, he had hadn’t he? He didn’t even know where Jace was, only that he wasn’t there, he wasn’t with his brother in his last moments, something they’ve promised, something that they always thought they would do together, die in battle.

 

Suddenly warm hands framed his face, he realized he closed his eyes, and he somehow felt safe. He slowly opened them, the tears in his eyes made everything blurry for a few seconds, and then the clear image of Magnus looking him over came to him. It made Alec want to break down even more, and with the hand that wasn’t clutching the parabatai rune, he took one of Magnus’ wrist while he sobbed. He knew Magnus was saying something, but Alec couldn’t hear him over the white noise that came with each moment as the realisation settled.

 

 _Jace was dead_.

 

Alec saw more than felt Magnus’ healing magic wash over him, _nothing_ could fix this, not even magic, his brother, _his_ _parabatai_ was dead. Magic couldn’t fix the numbness that had taken hold of him. He saw when Magnus reached his rune, saw him looking at his hand that was covered in blood - Alec hadn’t even noticed the blood - and understanding washed over Magnus’ face.

 

“Alexander.” Magnus’ voice sounded like it was muffled and it made more tears escape Alec’s eyes. He took his hand from Magnus’ wrist and instead took a handful of Magnus shirt and pulled himself up into Magnus’ arms, every limb feeling like it was set on fire, and hid his face in his neck, letting his sobs wrack his body as Magnus pulled him close.

 

The battle vaguely entered his mind, but Magnus was so calm and he knew he wouldn’t leave Izzy all alone fighting against all those demons and Circle members, so he stayed, buried in Magnus neck as the cold and numbing feeling got a tighter hold, letting Magnus stroke his hair and hold him.

 

As if she’s been summoned by his thoughts he heard the vague sound of her heels as she got close but he didn’t raise his head from Magnus’ neck, it had gotten easier to breathe but the numbness made his body feel like like it weighed a ton, and he didn’t know how to pick himself up, because then he would have to face the reality of what it all meant.

 

He knew Magnus and Izzy were talking about him, and he knew when Magnus told Izzy about Jace, because he could hear her quiet “By the Angel” said in disbelieve, and soon he felt her smaller arms join Magnus’ as they held him. He let go of Magnus’ shirt, and sought her hand out, after all she had lost her brother too.

 

* * *

 

 

They somehow made it back to the house, Magnus holding him by the waist and Izzy walking a little bit ahead of them as they made it past all the bodies from the battle. It seemed to be finally over. But it didn’t make the numbness any less cold though, he knew he should be happy, it was over, life could go back to how it was before, back to normal, but it wouldn’t, would it?

 

As they walked in they saw Luke and Maryse on the couch together, they stood as soon as they saw the three of them. Luke’s arm was around Maryse as they walked closer to them and Alec couldn’t face them, he couldn’t explain anything of what had happened, all he wanted was to bury himself in the covers and not come out for a while, how were you even suppose to deal with this?

 

His eyes turned to Luke and he knew he needed to talk to him, Luke knew what it was like to lose a parabatai, but right now he didn’t know if he would be able to do it, the pain and the numbness still felt so fresh.

 

Somehow Magnus knew what was going on in his head, Alec still didn’t know how he did that, it sometimes felt like Magnus knew him better than he knew himself, always there to fill in the blanks. He saw Magnus share a look with Izzy before he dragged him off to the direction of the bedroom they shared. He felt bad about the fact that Izzy had to be the one to tell their mom one of her sons were dead. Alec vowed to himself that he would make that up to her as he and Magnus entered the bedroom.

 

He still hadn’t said anything as Magnus helped him out of his clothes, and he felt like he should, he didn’t want Magnus to think he was shutting him out, but he didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling, he didn’t know how to tell Magnus that he felt like something had been ripped out of him, and that he left lost now that he couldn’t feel his brother and knowing that he was dead.

 

Alec thought back to the time when Jace went with Valentine, and how lost he felt then, and how it now felt a thousand times worse, even though back then he couldn’t feel Jace at all, he didn’t know if he was okay or even dead or alive, this time he knew. He knew his brother was dead and he had to go on without his presence, a presence he’s had with him for over a decade.

 

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, he didn’t know what he was gonna say, but before he got the chance Magnus silenced him with a finger, just like that first night they spent together all that time ago. It felt like a forever ago, a more simpler time.

 

“You don’t have to say anything Alexander, I know how devastating it is to lose a loved one,” Magnus' eyes shone with pain and understanding as he brought his hand up and cupped Alec’s face. “Take all the time you need, I’ll be here.” He said, and it felt so simple, yet it was everything he needed to hear.

 

He brought his hands to Magnus’ waist and pulled him close. “Can you stay? I- I know you probably have things to deal with, but can you - will you please stay? I don’t wanna be alone.” He looked Magnus in the eyes. Truth was he didn’t want to face anything or anyone right now, but Magnus was his home, his comfort, the one person he could turn to for everything.

 

Magnus just nodded mutely, understanding everything, as he pulled Alec to the en suit. Magnus took his clothes off as Alec took the rest of his clothes off as well, he paused slightly when he saw his parabatai rune, faded, with crusted blood on the sides. He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he saw it, a permanent reminder that Jace was gone, and there wasn’t anything Alec could do to bring him back. He didn’t feel the tears on his face until Magnus brought one of his hands up and dried the tears away, and pulled him in under the shower spray. The warm water warmed him up as he finally started to feel something other than the cold of the numbness.

 

Alec didn’t know how long they just stood there under the spray, holding each other, but eventually Magnus grabbed the shampoo and they helped wash each other’s hair, and it felt good, doing something so simple and easy for Magnus. For them to be doing it to each other. Alec loved these quiet moments with Magnus and even though he had wished the circumstances were different, there wasn’t anybody else Alec wanted to be with right now. Magnus was the one person he felt he could completely fall apart before and not have him be judged or have to keep his composure in front of. He knew his family would understand, but he’d always felt responsible for them, always felt like he needed to be the one they leaned on to. Magnus was the one he leaned on, as he was the one Magnus leaned on when he needed it. The past few months leading up to the battle hadn’t been easy on either of them, with all the things going on, they’ve found themselves having less and less of these quiet moments, and more political responsibilities because of their respective positions. It didn’t mean that they didn’t have any moments alone, but as the war raged closer and closer those had been traded for strategizing and pulling together forces, for the first time the whole Downworld was united, and it hadn’t been an easy task. Alec knew though as long as he had Magnus he would be okay. He had a long road ahead of him, hell, they both had, Magnus was still affected after what had happened with Valentine and Azazel, although it had gotten better, the stress of the war had brought it all out again.

 

He had gotten a bit lost in his thoughts because suddenly Magnus had turned off the shower and they were stepping out. They quickly dried off and put on some sweatpants and shirts. The silence, even though it was a comfortable one, was suddenly eating him alive. Everything sort of hit him all at once. He’d lost Jace, and what if he’d lost someone else too? What if he’d lost another one of his siblings or what if he’d lost _Magnus_? The thought of that made a panic well up inside of him and tears burned in his eyes as it got hard to breathe again. Magnus was there in a second, holding him and whispering sweet nothings into his hair.

 

“I can’t lose you too.” He sobbed, as he clutched Magnus’ shoulders.

 

“Hey, you’re not gonna lose me, okay? I’ve survived so far and I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.” Magnus arms tightened around him, and Alec felt him kiss his temple and it calmed him down a bit. “I love you, Alexander.”

 

Alec drew in a shaky breath, Magnus’ words washing over him. “I love you too, so much.” They stood there for a while, just embracing each other, taking comfort in each other.

 

“C’mon, let’s go to bed.” Magnus said as he pulled back a bit and lead Alec to the bed that was standing close by. As they settled down Alec buried his face in Magnus neck, as Magnus wrapped his arms around him and they tangled their legs together. They were quiet for a while as the events of the past few days washed over them. Valentine had been killed a few days ago, but most of the Circle members had stayed with Sebastian, or Jonathan as he was actually called. Alec didn’t know if he’d been killed or captured but seeing as the battle had quickly died down earlier and his mother and Luke weren’t out fighting, it seemed that he was finally dealt with. The rest of the Circle members would have fallen after that as well. It felt good knowing it was finally over, but the pain of losing Jace, and the fact that tomorrow negotiations about the future would start dimmed the good feeling that came with it. This war had shown the Clave and the rest of the Shadowhunters that the Downworld had finally had enough of their nonsense and that they demanded better and fairer treatment, they’ve agreed to join the Shadowhunters’ side in the war only if it meant a rewrite of the Accords, and while the Clave wasn’t so adamant on that, taking care of Valentine and his son was a first priority, and one they couldn’t do alone. Tomorrow would bring another difficult battle all on it’s own, but right now, being in Magnus’ arms, Alec felt safe, and he felt as if he had Magnus by his side, he could do this, he could face the world if he had to.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec woke to muffled loud voices, he hadn’t even noticed he fell asleep, and he could feel Magnus slowly waking up as well. His bones felt heavy and for one second, in that moment between sleep and full awareness, he forgot about the events that happened a few hours ago, until it hit him like a brick when he felt that emptiness inside him. He closed his eyes again and just buried himself deeper into Magnus embrace. He didn’t want to deal with anything yet, but Magnus had other plans.

 

“I’m going to see what’s going on, I’ll be right back.” He felt him kiss his forehead and all Alec wanted to do was pull Magnus right back as he got out of the bed, he knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help but take a hold of Magnus’ wrist, it was selfish he realized, but at the moment he simply just didn’t care. “Hey, I’ll be right back, okay?” Magnus voice was soft and soothing as he stroked Alec’s cheek before leaning down and giving him a small peck on the lips, which he didn’t let Alec deepen, before disappearing out the door. He knew he should probably be concerned with what was happening downstairs, but he just wanted to be alone, and not having to deal with anything for just a little while.

 

He didn’t know how long he laid there for before the door suddenly burst opened, it startled him enough that he sat up on the bed and … and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. _Jace_ stood in the doorway, bloody but _alive,_ how was this possible? It couldn’t be possible… right?

 

“You’re dead.” Alec said quietly as he slowly got up from the bed. The bond was still broken, and there was only an emptiness left from it, but Jace was standing here alive. It didn’t make any sense at all.

 

“I died, but then I came back.” Jace said, almost casually, making Alec turn to him. It all started to make less sense.

 

“You can’t just come back to life, it doesn’t work like that.” Alec said, he wanted to believe this, but he had felt the bond break, had felt the part of Jace’s soul that was connected to him crumble, his rune had bled, seeing his brother supposedly alive didn’t help ease the numbness that had settled ever since that moment.

 

“It’s me Alec, it’s complicated believe me, but it’s me, I’m alive.” Jace looked him straight in the eyes, as he continued, “Sebastian stabbed me, I died, or at least I think I did, it happened so fast, I felt numb and suddenly everything went black and then I came to again, it was like waking up from a deep sleep, everything hurt all over, I felt numb, and I had Clary crying in my ear.” Jace sighed, he looked beaten down, all bloody and it looked like he had aged from the whole ordeal.

 

“But _how_?” Alec needed to know, he needed to understand, he wanted his parabatai back so badly, but all of it felt like a messed up dream. People didn’t just rise from the dead.

 

“I... I don’t really understand it myself, somehow, Clary got a wish granted from Ithuriel and he brought me back to life.” Jace shrugged a bit, his face turned to the floor for a minute but turned back to Alec when he didn’t say anything. “I get that it’s hard to believe, but I’m here, I’m _alive._ ” He took a step forward and for some reason beyond what Alec could understand he took a step back, nearly stumbling on the bed behind him.

 

“It still feels like you’re _dead_ , how can it do that if you’re supposedly alive?!” Alec said, almost shouting at the end. It felt unreal, it still didn’t make any sense, angels didn’t grant wishes, they stayed out of life on Earth. At least that’s how it’s always been.

 

“I don’t know!” Jace shouted back. “I have no idea how long I was dead for.” He continued quieter. “Alec, please. We’ll find a way to fix the bond, we always do.”

 

“I’m not sure this is something we can fix Jace, it’s _broken_.” Alec sighed, a few tears escaping his eyes. Jace being back was something he should be happy about but, how could he? When there was still an emptiness inside him? Jace didn’t look happy over what he just said, he looked tired, nearly defeated. It sparked a thought in Alec’s mind though. “What happened to Sebastian?”

 

“What?” Jace said, he looked bewildered over the question, so far from whatever he imagined Alec to have said.

 

“You said Sebastian killed you, what happened to him afterwards? Did he just disappear or what?”

 

Jace looked even more lost over what he was saying, until it finally clicked. “Clary killed him afterwards.” He paused, his eyes settling on Alec’s, “You don’t believe it’s actually me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a quiet statement although one that made great pain shine in Jace’s eyes, so great it almost made Alec want to contradict it, _almost._

 

It took a while for Alec to reply. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He sighed. “Everything inside me is telling me that you’re dead, this whole thing about an angel granting a wish that Clary made, isn’t making any sense, it all feels like my mind is playing a trick on me. After everything that’s happened, I just… I… I don’t know, okay?” He sank back on the bed and put his head in his hands. He heard Jace taking a few steps closer to where he sat, stopping a few steps before the bed, giving him his space.

 

“Alec, I promise you this isn’t a trick, I can ask Magnus to come up here and he can do some spell to confirm that it’s really me if you’d like, hell, I can send Clary up for you, she knows better than I do what the hell happened.” He paused, and Alec looked up, his parabatai looked as broken as he felt. Off-balance, like something wasn’t quite right, simply because it wasn’t. “You feel dead to me too you know.” Jace whispered. “I look at you and I know you’re okay, but inside I just feel this empty place, a place where you’re suppose to be at.” He continued quietly, almost like if confessing all of this made it permanent, like it was being set in stone and that there was no way to reverse it all. “It feels strange, not feeling whatever it is you’re feeling. I’ve so gotten used to it over the past years, that the silence is… wrong.” Jace sighed.

 

“Do you think there’s a way to fix it?” Alec asked into the silence. He felt disconnected, he knew objectively that if Jace wasn’t him, then he wouldn’t be let past this far, his family, Magnus and Luke wouldn’t let him go to him. But Alec still couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. His brother was back from the dead, things like that always came with a cost, if they were even possible in the first place. The memory of going together with Clary to Iris to bring Jocelyn back came to the front of his mind.

 

“I don’t know,” Jace started as he sat down beside Alec. “Nothing like this has ever happened before, at least I don’t think it has.” He sighed and another silence settled around them, as they both tried to wrap their heads around everything that had happened over the last day. “Do you think maybe Magnus knows something? Or Maryse or Luke? Maybe there’s something in the old Clave archives?”

 

“It doesn’t hurt to ask.” Alec got up, holding a hand out for Jace, who looked at it for a second before clasping it in his own, pulling himself up and hugging Alec. It eased the pain a bit, knowing that his brother was alive and real, but the emptiness was still there and Alec feared he might have to live with it for the rest of his life.

 

* * *

 

 

It turned out that Magnus, Maryse and Luke hadn’t heard of a parabatai bond being repaired if it had actually broken. Maryse did offer to go look in the archives in case there was something they hadn’t heard about, she said it would be an excellent time to check it now because no one would be guarding it. Alec felt gratitude for his mother, she’s been working so hard to make up for her past mistakes and it amazed Alec every time, it had taken him some time to get used to it, but now his mother was a person that he could always turn to if he needed something, and she wouldn’t berate him like she’d done in the past. She was also happier and warmer, Luke had a part in that, and Alec thanked the Angel that they had found a happiness in each other, they both deserved it after everything.

 

The dead end didn’t please Jace, Alec knew that his brother wanted some solution to all of this, but Alec knew, somewhere deep down that this wasn’t something that would have an easy solution, if there was any solution at all. He knew, even without the bond, that Jace would be feeling responsible for this, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. It was Sebastian’s fault, and his fault only. Alec was mostly just glad over the fact that his brother was alive, it had taken some time for it to sink in, he felt wrong without the bond, but knowing that Jace was alive, instead of being dead made the pain almost bearable.

 

Luke asked if he could talk to them, but Jace quickly shook his head and disappeared up the stairs, Clary following him. It was clear he wasn’t in the mood to talk, obviously discouraged by the news. But Alec was, he wanted to ask Luke so many things, because Luke knew how it felt, to lose your parabatai even though he was alive. Even though their situations were so different, they were alike just the same. Magnus and Izzy left for the backyard to give them some privacy, and when it was just Alec and Luke left, he didn’t really know where to start. Luckily Luke did.

 

“It gets easier, you know, the pain. It might not feel like it today, but it does, it never goes away, it becomes a part of you, something that you’re always going to carry with you for the rest of your life. But, Jace is going to be there with you, you two are going to face this together, and simply because you don’t have the bond anymore doesn’t mean you aren’t parabatai. You’ve always been brothers and the parabatai bond just made that stronger, but it’s not necessary. It’s going to feel off-balance not having that presence anymore, but it’s all about re-learning that, re-learning how to fight and communicate without the bond, it’s going to be hard, but you’re brothers, you can do this.” Luke said, he was sitting right opposite Alec on the other couch, there was a calmness about him that soothed Alec. Made him believe that this was just another bump in the road, like one of the many fights he and Jace always had, before they eventually made up and moved on.

 

“Does the feeling that feels like death ever go away? Will I ever be able to not question if he’s alive or dead?” He said, looking down at his clasped hands.

 

“With time I hope so, my situation was very different to yours, Valentine betrayed our bond, you two had the misfortune of it being broken by someone else. But the great thing in all of this Alec, is that neither of you are alone. There aren’t a lot of parabatai pairs out there, only a selected few know what it’s like to have that kind of bond, even less know what it’s like to have that bond broken, because usually the other follows. But you two can build that bond up, and you don’t need a rune for that. You’re family, brothers, from there you can take the strength to rebuild what you lost today. And with time I hope that the feeling goes away.”

 

* * *

 

 

The sun was setting, Alec was cuddled up on the swing in the backyard together with Magnus, they had a blanket around them to keep the cold away. Alec and Luke had joined Magnus and Izzy after their talk and a while later Maryse returned, sadly bringing no news, and together with Luke they decided to go back inside as the air grew colder. Izzy followed them soon after, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up with her. After they’ve been left alone Alec had dragged Magnus over to the swing, and they sat there with the blanket around them for hours lost in their own thoughts of the days to come, as the sun started setting around them.

 

“How do you think tomorrow will go?” Alec asked quietly, his voice hoarse from disuse.

 

Magnus sighed. “I don’t know, all I do know is that the Clave isn’t going to make any of this easy, no matter how instrumental we all were in helping with the war.” He said, not sounding bitter, but just sounded tired, like he knew this was coming.

 

“Well, I’ll be by your side, whatever you need.” He echoed the words Magnus told him once, at a time that seemed so far away from now.

 

“I know, darling.” He said, kissing the top of Alec’s head. They lapsed into a silence after that, there wasn’t much they could discuss, the Clave was always going to be the Clave, they wouldn’t want to lessen their power, even if the Downworld was the reason they hadn’t all been killed. It was frustrating, but they all knew, the Clave had to give some of it’s power away, there was no way Downworlders would go back to how it all used to be, not after everything that had happened. It was time for equality, but even though the Clave knew it, they wouldn’t go down without making it a thousand times more complicated than it should be.  

 

“What about you? How are you going to work out everything with Jace now that your bond is broken?” Magnus said, his hand coming up to stroke Alec’s hair, the whole thing made Alec feel safe. No matter what, Magnus always had that effect on him, as long as he was near the other man everything seemed to fade away, and there was only a warmth left.

 

He sighed. “I don’t know, we’re gonna have to re-learn how it is to fight together and trust one another without the bond, everything feels off-balance, like it’s all on uneven ground.” Alec said.

 

Magnus hummed. “What did Luke say?”

 

“He’s pretty confident we can grow past it, that since we have a brotherly bond we can just expand on it. Although he says it’s going to take time.”

 

“Well it’s good that there isn’t a war to worry about then.” Magnus said, trying to lift the mood a bit, and it made a tiny smile pull at Alec’s lips, even if it was short lived.

 

“True, it’s one less thing, but it’s going to take a lot of work and time, it’s going to feel like we’re kids again, kids that don’t know anything about fighting. It’s… frustrating.” He said, sighing. “Like I’m happy he’s alive, but it still doesn’t feel like it, it all feels wrong, and it’s confusing and… frustrating.” He said annoyed.

 

“You and Jace are going to figure it out, you can start tomorrow after the meeting, start with a simple training, test the waters and don’t think so much on fixing the parabatai bond. If you do it might cloud your efforts.” Magnus said simply, and it made sense. If they focused too much on the numb and unbalanced feeling and not on the fact that they were parabatai even without the bond, it could just worsen their efforts. It wouldn’t feel the same, it never could, but it could make the process easier if they just tried to strengthen the bond they always had since kids, a bond only brothers could have. The risk of trying to fix something that might not even be able to be fixed, and the frustration that would come out of nothing working could as easily just tear them more apart than the bond breaking in the first place.

 

They went to bed a while after, as he tried to fall asleep Alec mulled over Luke’s words and Magnus’ advice, while putting the meeting between the Clave and Downworlders at the front of his mind. All he could do for it was to give his judgment, explain to the Clave that equality was important if both the Shadowhunters and Downworlders wanted to evolve and continue on. The Shadowhunters would be nowhere if it wasn’t for the Downworlders and it was time the Clave acknowledged that.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat down in the training room waiting for Jace. The meeting between the Clave and Downworlder leaders had gone as expected. The Clave was unwilling to let their power go easily, and kept bringing up the shifty Seelie loyalties to explain their reluctance to give the Downworlders a more prominent place in the decision making. It was frustrating, and after the meeting Luke, Magnus and Raphael went off to discuss how they should move forward. There wasn’t a Seelie representative since the Clave didn’t trust them, which just added to the tension, Magnus had promised the Seelies that he would try and reason with the Clave on their behalf. There were talks about the Clave possibly freezing them out from the Shadow World, and while the Queen had sided on the wrong of the war, Magnus didn’t want her decision to reflect on the rest of the fair folk. Luke and Raphael were a bit aversive towards the idea since they didn’t trust what the Queen might do if no action would be taken against her people, wary that she might escape without a punishment. But they knew freezing out the entirety of the fair folk would just bode for another war, and no one wanted that. So in the eyes of the Clave they were all united.  

 

Just as he got up and took one of the seraph blades, Jace walked in. He had a frown on his face, and the realisation that Alec couldn’t reach across the bond to feel whatever it was that was bothering him hurt. He shook his head to get rid of the thought before speaking up. “I thought we could just do some light sparring just to see how it all feels.”

 

“Sounds good.” Jace said walking over and taking a blade of his own. They stood for a while just watching each other, the bond being gone made them realize how long it’s truly been since they didn’t feel the other. For a better part of their lives they’ve always fought like they were one being, always in tune with the other, a fluidness that only came with being connected at the soul.

 

Suddenly Jace attacked, making Alec scramble to get his blade up to block his attack. They stared at each other for a while, before Jace gave him a cocky smile and began attacking again. They traded blows and blocks easily, it felt familiar, like it always did when they fought together, and for the first few moments it almost felt the same, like they hadn’t lost the bond. Of course that’s when things got messier. They added blades so both of them had two each, thinking that they could handle it because they were still Jace and Alec, brothers before parabatai.

 

As they went through the motions of the different attacks, the ground started feeling shaky and off-balance. Alec pushed the feeling away, instead taking that unease and using it against Jace as he attacked him. Their blows became more aggressive, both lost in trying to push the growing numbness away, thinking it would go away any minute now. If they just pretended it wasn’t there, that they couldn’t feel it, they could overcome it, right?

 

Their footwork got clumsy, their blows less precise, both of them too lost in their own heads to truly focus on the task, angry that things were different, that everything just seemed to crumble, their skills suddenly becoming irrelevant.

 

Then it happened, Alec wasn’t focused and missed to block the blade Jace hurled at his shoulder. He let out a scream as he fell to his knees, dropping his own blades as he clutched his shoulder, with the blade still in. He looked up at Jace who seemed paralyzed, eyes wide and mouth open just staring. “Jace.” He said, he needed Jace to pull the blade out and activate an iratze, he needed him to know he was okay.

 

“Alec, I.. I-I’m so sorry, I, you know I’d ne-- I, I didn’t meant to, I thought you’d block it.” Jace’s eyes were unfocused, his entire being in shock.

 

“It’s okay. Jace, I need you to pull it out and draw an iratze.” He could feel the blood trickle through his fingers as he clutched his shoulder. It hurt, but looking at Jace and the emotions he was feeling hurt more. “Jace.” He said again.

 

Finally he moved into action, almost robotically. He swiftly pulled the blade out, and drew two iratzes just to be safe. In the back of his mind a part of Alec realized Jace probably drew two since now his runes would be like any other, without that extra touch of a rune drawn by your parabatai. “C’mon, we have to get you to the infirmary.” He pulled him up and they started to walk, the infirmary wasn’t far from the training room since accidents did tend to happen.

 

Even though it was a short walk, it felt so much longer, both of them were quiet, Jace lost in thought, almost cold. Alec didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t good with words to begin with and this wasn’t making things better. A cold dread settle in him, what if this would tear them apart? Ever since they’ve become parabatai they just worked better, their relationship became easier. Alec couldn’t imagine them not being close, they were brothers, surely that wouldn’t change? Them losing the bond was hard, they both knew that, but they had each other, it was suppose to make it bearable. Neither of them were good at talking about their feelings, that’s what had made the bond so great, they didn’t need to talk, they just _knew_. But Alec was afraid, that now that they didn’t have the bond, they would close themselves off, too lost in their own heads, especially after everything they’ve gone through, none of them wanted to bring back painful memories by talking about it.

 

Jace swiftly got him into a bed and called over a healer, that set to work on Alec’s shoulder. “You’re going to be fine.” He clasped Alec’s good shoulder, and then turned to the healer. “You give him the best treatment, you hear me?” He said, giving the healer a hard leveled look. Making the healer swiftly nod her head. The anger in Jace’s eyes even making Alec feel uneasy. “Good, I’ll leave you to it.” He said and left, not even sparing another glance at him, and Alec just sat there in shock, his mouth half open to say… He didn’t even know what. Jace’s name? Ask him to wait? Something?

 

The healer made quick work of Alec’s shoulder and it was as if nothing had happened. There was no pain or even a scratch. He thanked her and made his way out of the infirmary, which is where he ran into Magnus.

 

“Hey.” Magnus said, eyes wide as he looked him over. “You okay? Jace said you got hurt.”

 

“I’m fine. It’s all healed.” He said, taking both of Magnus hands and giving them a squeeze, as he leaned down for a kiss, but it didn’t last long before Alec broke it. “Where did you see Jace? I need to talk to him.”

 

“I don’t know where he is, he just came to the house Raphael is staying at and told me you’ve gotten badly hurt, that he took you to the infirmary but that I should come and take a look as well, before he disappeared.”

 

Alec sighed, leaning his head on Magnus’ shoulder. While he hadn’t been at the infirmary long, it was enough time for Jace to get a head start to go somewhere and hide. He tried to search his head for places he knew Jace liked to go to, but he doubted Jace would go to one he had any knowledge about.

 

“You wanna tell me what happened?” Magnus asked after a while, one of his hands leaving Alec’s and instead stroking his head, heart lighter now that he knew Alec wasn’t in any immediate danger.

 

Alec lifted his head from Magnus’ shoulder and nodded. Using the hand he was holding he started to lead Magnus way from the infirmary. He sighed before he started. “We were training, and it was good at first. I don’t know what happened, the lack of the bond started affecting us and we just got… sloppy, bad even. We never fought so uncoordinated, so out of sync and unfocused like that before. I… I wasn’t focused and I didn’t block one of Jace’s blows in time and he got me in the shoulder.” He paused, trying to collect his thoughts, Magnus quiet beside him. “He… He looked so shocked at what happened, and then… and then he just closed himself off. Just left me at the infirmary and that was that. I don’t know what’s going on in his head. We’ve never really needed to talk about our emotions because we always felt them and I… I don’t know what to do.” He said, stopping them. He looked out, they’ve gotten a bit outside of the city.

 

“Well this seems like a good time to start then.” Magnus said, turning Alec’s head. “It’s not going to be easy, Jace probably blames himself, overreacted with the injury, I’m assuming it’s the first time he hit you that hard?”

 

“Yeah, the only time that’s even close is when he hit me over the head with a bō staff when we were kids.”

 

“So that’s where you got this.” Magnus said, taking his free hand and touching his thumb to the scar on his eyebrow. The gesture pulling small smiles at both their faces. “A war just ended, luckily it wasn’t as bloody as it could be, but war alone is never easy, things happened. Jace died, he’s probably feeling all sorts of things, your bond being broken doesn’t help things at all. He probably feels lost, and the things he’s been through aren’t easy to talk about, he probably doesn’t even want to talk about them. That part isn’t going to be easy at all, and you can’t force him to talk, at least not right now when it’s all so fresh.” Magnus said in that calm and understanding tone of his. Sometimes it hit Alec just how long his boyfriend has been alive, how much he’s seen and been a part of.

 

“What can I do then?” Alec asked, maybe a bit desperately. He was scared Jace was going to do something without thinking, something reckless.

 

“First you find him. Then you talk, I know you’ve gotten better at that recently.” Magnus smiled a bit before continuing. “He doesn’t have to talk, but it might be good for him to know what you’re feeling. After that you go to Luke, he’s much more qualified in understanding all this than I am. He went through it, and I’m pretty sure he can help you both get some balance back in your relationship.”

 

Alec smiled a tiny smile. “You’re right.”

 

“I usually am, darling.” Magnus said, his own smile growing a bit.

 

They stared at each other for a little while before Alec continued. His smile dimming a bit. “I’m just scared of what can happen. What if… what if it doesn’t work? What if it just stays like this, this unbalance.”

 

“You both want this to work, even though Jace disappeared, he probably needed to collect his thoughts, the news yesterday probably upsetting him, but it doesn’t mean that this won’t work. It’s just going to take time, probably a lot of time.”

 

“Which means I should probably start looking for him.” He said as he looked over the city, thinking of the places Jace could of gone to.

 

“You want any help?” Magnus asked, making Alec look back at him.

 

“No, he’s probably activated his rune so he can’t be tracked, but thank you. Truly.” Alec said, looking into Magnus eyes. He loved this man so much, and at times like these he realized how lucky he was that this man had chosen him.

 

“Alright, I have a meeting I should get back to.” Magnus smiled, and they got lost a bit staring at each other. How could they not?

 

“I love you.” Alec said, stepping closer to Magnus, resting his forehead against Magnus’, closing his eyes momentarily.

 

“I love you too.” He gave Alec a small kiss on the lips before stepping back. “Now go find your brother, and talk to him. I’ll see you later, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Alec smiled, they were still holding hands. They took a moment, before Magnus squeezed his hand and opened a portal, with one last smile in Alec’s direction before disappearing through it.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec had been searching for Jace for hours with no luck. He’s basically turned the entire city over, looked through all the usual spots, all the places Jace told him about, the places he himself knows are good if you need a moment, the places they found together as kids, but nothing. He’s considering if he has time to explore the woods before it gets too late, when a voice startled him.

 

“Magnus told me you were looking for me.”

 

He turned around and there he was. “Magnus found you?” Alec asked.

 

“No, not exactly. He and Luke were going back to the house and I ran into them.” Jace said, arms crossed, looking everywhere but at Alec. There was clearly more to his run in with Magnus and Luke, but it didn’t look like Jace was going to elaborate.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

“Here and there.” Jace said, and there was a tension between them, one Alec hadn’t felt in a long time. Like they were on the opposite sides of the world, against each other.

 

“Jace, we have to talk, we can’t go on like this.” Alec said desperately.

 

“Our bone is _broken,_ Alec! How the hell are we supposed to fix that?! A broken bond can’t be fixed, you and I both know that!” Jace shouted, pain all over his face, but also a tiredness, like he’s been thinking this all day.

 

“We have to try! I’m not delusional to think it’s going to magically repair itself, but it shouldn’t change anything!” Alec shouted back, throwing his arms out.

 

“But _it_ _does_! It changes _everything_ , we’re not longer parabatai Alec!”

 

“But we’re brothers! That should mean something in this!”

 

“Of course it means something.” Jace said, sighing. “But it’s irrelevant to this, it’s irrelevant to what’s going on.” He said, arms falling at his side. “We’re never going to go back to what we were.” He sounded defeated.

 

“So we’re no longer a team, is that what you’re saying?” Alec snapped.

 

“With how the training went today I’d say so.” Jace said, demeanour all too calm, and it _hurt._

 

“We can get better, this is just a bump in the road.”

 

“Alec, we weren’t even this bad as _children_!”

 

“Well, having the bond broken would affect that, don’t you think?! I don’t get why you’re giving up on this so easily!” Alec shouted, he had no idea what was going on anymore, what the hell was Jace thinking?

 

“Because…” Jace sighed, looking at the ground. “Because, I’m scared to try, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I’m scared we’re never going to be able to fight beside each other again, that this isn’t just some bump in the road, that this is permanent, that everything is suppose to be off-balance.” Jace took a deep breathe before continuing, quietly. “It’s, It’s not only you, I… I went into the woods earlier, tried to do some easy stances and whatnot, but… that feeling Alec, that feeling of unbalance, is still with me and _I_ can’t fight, it’s not only us, it’s me too.” Jace said, and he looked tired, like the whole ordeal had added a decade to his life.

 

Alec was quiet for a while, letting Jace words sink in, he hadn’t tried to practice by himself, and the thought that it would affect him made sense, that feeling haunted him like it did Jace, why shouldn’t it make him worse? “Isn’t that reason enough to try and fix this? If we can’t fight together or separately, _we_ need to fix it Jace.”

 

“And what if it doesn’t work?”

 

“It will! Look at Luke! His bond was broken, he was in an even worse situation that us and he’s fine, he’s also a great fighter!”

 

“But what if we can’t fix _us_ Alec? What are we going to do then?”

 

“I don’t know!” Alec shouted. “I… I don’t know, I don’t know anything right now, everything’s a mess. But what I know is that I need my brother, parabatai or not.” He said quietly, he felt his eyes burn, but he didn’t let the tears through.

 

Jace was quiet, and for a few minutes they said nothing, until Jace lifted his head and Alec saw the tears that was rolling down his face. That was that, and it was like they had that bond again, they hugged and Alec let his tears roll down too.

 

“We’re going to figure this out, okay? We always do.”

 

“Okay.”

 

For now it was enough. They still needed to talk about so much, about how Jace died, and how all that affected him, affected them. They needed to talk about everything that happened the past month because of the war, of what they’ve seen and been through. They needed to see Luke, ask him for help, on how to fight, on how to navigate this feeling that would never leave them, ask him how he did it. Then there was also the general state of the Shadow World and all the shit that came with that. But for now, they didn’t need to do more than go home and rest and face all of this tomorrow, but this time completely on the same side. Right now all Alec felt was relief that he had his brother back. It wasn’t going to be easy, with the bond broken they’ll probably have more fights than usual, without the bond to guide them through each other's emotions. Patience would be something they would need to re-learn, they would have to be more stubborn, try harder than they ever had to become parabatai in the first place. With their attentions needing to be elsewhere they would have to think about it all strategically so they wouldn’t drift apart. But that was problems for tomorrow.

 

“C’mon, everyone’s probably worried and I’m not in the mood for several lectures.” Jace said, breaking the hug. For the moment it felt so familiar it shocked Alec, but he quickly shook the feeling away.

 

“Yeah.” Alec said, but then an idea hit him. “Race you?” He grinned.

 

“Oh you’re on.” Jace smirked, and ran off.

 

Alec didn’t have time to shout something after Jace as he set off behind him. They might not be completely okay right now, but there was no way they wouldn’t be.

**Author's Note:**

> you've reached the end !! *throws glitter confetti* 
> 
> thank you for reading, any feedback would be much appreciated since this is like the first proper thing i've written in like ?? a year ?? so please leave kudos/comments! <3


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